Thursday, January 26, 2006

When did I begin?

Just sitting and wondering about life and its ways ... what would I be ? ... What could I have been ? ... Questions ... Just questions ... No answers ... I shout out into the dark night of my mind and silence is all that echoes back. Wonder what I am ? Yes I wonder that ... I wonder in retrospect... I wonder in foresight... I wonder in silence and I wonder out aloud....

Still ... silence... just a quantum of emptiness ... that's all ... nothing more ? Is there nothing more ? I ask again ... and the skies .. dark ... shades of irregular clouds ... perhaps nimbus ... stare at me as if mocking my expectations of an answer.

I sit down on the grass and I look back in time... 1 day ago ... a week ago ... a month ago ... an year? ... a decade ? ... Was I the same then ? Was I different ? Would I have spoken out then ? Would I be silent today ?

I sucked at football. I am better at it now. I was so happy. I suck at it now... How did it happen ? And more importantly when ? When did I lose that bespectacled silent boy murmuring mathematics and computer programming problems in sleep ? When did I find this boisterous self ... so deep within the curls of vacuum that sometimes there is no air to breathe ? There is no mathematics ... no peace ... no silence ... so much of chaos ... and more of it creeping in every day...

Where did I begin ? I ask myself so often... that I have lost the charm of the challenge of answering that ... I do not know is all I have said ... every day till now... Now - I want an answer ... Where did I actually begin ? Was it roughly 23 years ago when I was born ? Or around 9 years ago when I moved into our new house ? Or was it 7 years ago when the "First big mistake" happened ? Or 5 years ago when I moved to Calcutta ? Or sometime in the blurred intermediates of these landmarks ? Have I begun yet...

To be very honest ... I do not know ... I have no clue ... If I am yet to begin living or if I have already lived my share of life ! Some say that I am done... some say I am yet to begin... I feel ... maybe its somewhere in between... I know not and yet I know ... what I have lost and what I have gained... gained more ? or lost more ?

I know how it is to feel like giving your everything to a cause... to a dream.. a thought... a person ... a whim !! ... And I know how it is to lose it all... And then I also know how it is to stand there and watch life moving across and feeling nothing at all about it...

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