Have you ever noticed when you park the car after a drive in the rains, how drops of water trickle down the wind-shield of the car. As they move down slowly, they gather other drops and streak like a stream across your vision. Sometimes I see the feelings from my past do the same. Streams that gather droplets, getting bulkier and rolling down faster than they were in the previous moment. Somehow those streams always lead to you. You, sitting there cross-legged. Looking at the world around you like it was a mystery that you knew a lot about. You sitting with a smiling face, tears locked away in little boxes. Perhaps there is something wonderful about you but you won’t let the world see it.
You and I have a lot in common than either of us would want to admit. I know that we were in the same boat once but then the tides changed. You went on with the low tide, floating away. I surfed over the high tide thinking of big things and hiding the small ones. I do realize that the small ones matter but then I guess you were better with those. You knew about the magic that the smaller bits beheld. I wonder if you would have shared it with me!
I sometimes think of you and me as the same person. I dream of holding your hand and walking around with you. I wake up and realize that you ran away. Or maybe I left you stranded somewhere and I moved away. It gets a bit unclear but I do know that I am sorry for leaving you. I remember the tiny shoes that you loved. The toys that you prized. I remember that you wanted to run up to them and show your next wonderful thing. You wanted to surprise them. You wanted to love. To be loved. You wanted to remain like you always are in my memory. You somehow didn’t. I did not let you do all of that. I told you to stop running to them because I knew how bad you felt when you realized that your little wonders meant nothing to them. I tried to protect you from the pain that I thought you wouldn’t be able to take. Maybe I overdid it.
Perhaps you needed another chance. Perhaps you were ready to take the "no’s". Perhaps you wanted to run and fly even when no one noticed or cared. I did not really think that you were strong enough. So I made you give up that glint that you had in your eyes. And I made you pack up your wonders and mysteries into those little boxes. Times changed and you weren’t around anymore. Not because you didn’t want to but because I didn’t want you to stick around and get into a mess. You walked away because you didn’t know what else to do. You listened to me. You did. And you were gone with your delights, laughter, smiles, tears, joys, surprises and a lot more. You carried away all those boxes, every single one of them.
I know that you are out there somewhere with your eyes still shining with the next surprise that they behold. Your little hands shaping the outlines of amazing dreams. You were not scared to dream. No you weren’t. You dreamed like a free person. Nothing could contain your dreams. When they told you that some things are just not possible, you told me that they were stupid. You told me that things seem impossible even when they actually were possible because we did not have the courage to accept that the possibilities do not end at any quarter. I laughed at you and asked you to listen to them.
I slowly became what you never were. I became them. Or at least a part of them. I agreed more with them than I did with you. Not because I did not like you but because I liked you too much! I did not want you to run into disappointments and failures all the time. I did not want you to fall. I did not want to get you into trouble. I did not want you to stop being yourself. And then I did exactly what I did not want to do. I tried to stop you from being yourself. I tried and when I could not, I sent you away.
You know, ever since you have gone, I have felt hollow. I have felt like there’s so much missing from me. I have felt so incomplete. Even empty. But I still carried on and every day I put another layer of bricks between you and me. Pushed myself farther and farther from you. I almost forgot you for a time and I felt so good. I felt good because I no longer had to look back and regret what I had lost. The joy as is obvious was rather short-lived. I remembered you when I looked in the mirror and realized that I had no glint in my eyes.
I sometimes try to think of you and me as the same person. I try to remember when we were together. When I used to call you I. When you used to call me I. Those were some days. I cannot really remember or maybe I cannot accept that I was like that at some time of my life. When I could win everything without losing anything.
Today, I can lose everything and I realize that I need you a lot. I need you to bring those little boxes and open them up again. I want to feel and see those wonders. I want to feel the mystery of the world unraveling around me. I guess now you realize why I am writing this to you. I am writing this because I need us to be together again. I will not tell you to listen to them because now I know how right you were and how wrong they were. I will not ask you to hide your shining eyes and magic in tin boxes. I would accept that you are me. I really would if given that chance.